Dear Hazel

Dear Hazel,
You are finally here.  When you were born, I just kept thinking, "We did it."  The last nine months were very long and difficult, but we both made it.  I am so grateful you are here.  It is amazing how much love instantly appeared the minute you made your way into this world.
Love, Mom

Hazel is Born

3 weeks ago, our sweet little baby was born-Hazel Mary Roberts.  John and I had a really hard time finding a name.  After 4 other girls, we had used up most of the names we liked.  There were two I had in mind, but John said one of them was a boys name and the other one was too popular for my liking.  So when she was born, I told John to pick the name.  He decided on Hazel.  Her middle name, Mary, is after his mom.  She weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 inches long.  It was the 23rd of July.  I was at the park with Heather and all our kids.  I was having contractions, but I didn't know if they would keep going or fizzle out.  We left the park around 5, and John and I headed to Costco so we could fill our empty fridge and pantry.  While we were there, the contractions keep coming, but they weren't super close together even though they were painful.  They kept coming through the evening and they were getting pretty strong.  I was trying to wait to go to the hospital because I was considering doing this birth without an epidural.  My mom came over at about 11:30, and we headed to Mountain Point Hospital.  I was anxious to see how far dilated I was and told John that I would die if they said I was at a 4.  Well, guess what-they checked me and I was at a 4!  I had a great nurse though that had done a natural childbirth and she said if I wanted to do it, she would help me make it happen.  I decided to go for it.  I knew this was my last delivery, and I honestly was just curious to know how bad it really was.  My nurse was amazing.  She helped me walk the halls, and showed John how to push on my back during contractions to make it less painful.  The doctor came and broke my water at some point and that really made things progress quickly.  The contractions were difficult, but they were really manageable for most of the labor.  It was probably the last 15-20 minutes or so where things got really intense.  I remember feeling at one point like I couldn't move because of the pain, I couldn't lie down, I ended up crouching on the bed with my arms wrapped around the nurse's neck.  I kept telling myself not to bite her because my head was in her shoulder and I was struggling with the pain.  Pretty soon, I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore and I just wanted her to come out.  I started pushing, my eyes were closed and I'm sure I was yelling or groaning or something.  It felt like an out of body experience because it was just so intense.  When her head came out, the cord was wrapped around her neck twice.  The doctor unwrapped it, and I pushed out the rest of her.  It was insane.  While the delivery was intense and crazy and painful, it was nothing compared to what came next.  My placenta wouldn't come out.  It was the most painful thing I've ever been through.  I had seen a natural birth video where the woman had trouble with her placenta and it scared me.  I asked my nurse about it beforehand and she said it would be a piece of cake and I wouldn't even take note of it after the delivery.  That was not the case.  For whatever reason, my placenta did not want to come out.  The doctor said sometimes that happens when it implants up high in the uterus.  He was trying to massage my stomach to make it come, and that hurt so incredibly bad.  I was pushing his hands away and telling him I wanted to kick him.  He was trying to gently pull it out.  Nothing was working.  I was losing a lot of blood, and too much time was passing.  He looked at me and said, "We have to get this out now."  I asked what my options were and he looked at me like I was a little dumb because there was only one option.  Two nurses held down my hands so I wouldn't push him away, and he reached in and pulled it out.  Needless to say, it was a bit traumatic for my body.  I was just shaking.  I felt so sad at this point because all this time had passed and I hadn't even held my baby.  Normally they put the baby up on your chest the minute they are born, but I wasn't able to do that.  I didn't see them put her on the scale, or wrap her up.  There were no pictures taken of her with John or with me.  It made me really sad to miss all that.  All this happened at about 3, and it wasn't until 4 that the nurses and doctors left the room.  I held our sweet baby and tried to feed her, but afterwards I was so weak and tired, John told the nurses to take the baby with them.  At about 5, they came in to check me and I needed to go the bathroom.  As soon as they took me in there and I sat down, I knew I was going to pass out.  I warned the nurses, so luckily they were prepared.  Next thing I know, I'm somehow back in my bed with an oxygen mask on and I hear them talking about my color and blood transfusions.  It was pretty scary.  The rest of the night I could never quite go to sleep because I kept having the same feeling where I needed to fight to keep consciousness.  I just lied in the bed and cried because I felt so bad that I couldn't hold my baby and love her.  I was so grateful to the nurses who were doing that for me.  The funny part is that John slept through that whole episode.  I don't know how.  All the lights were on, there were about 5 nurses in the room.  He couldn't believe it when I told him the next morning.  Needless to say, this was not our best birth experience.  I was so grateful though that she and I both made it out okay.  I was really nervous that something would go wrong this time.  I had researched all the ways that women still die in childbirth, and I told John about them so he would know what to do if something happened.  I feel so incredibly grateful that we made it through pregnancy and delivery.  It has been three weeks, and I'm starting to feel better.  I felt like this recovery was a little slow, probably because I lost so much blood.  But three weeks later, I'm starting to feel better and more capable of doing things.  Everyone in our family completely adores her.  The kids always want to hold her.  Especially Hadley.  I feel like Hazel and Hadley have a bond that was formed long before either of them were born.  The first thing she says when she gets out of bed is, "Where's Hazel?"  And the second she walks in the door after being gone, "Where's Hazel?"  I love how she gently strokes her head and how she says over and over, "Ahhh.... She's so cute.  She's so cute, Mommy."  We left Hazel on the bed alone for literally one minute, but that was all the time Hadley needed to pick her up and hold her all on her own.  Another sweet little girl is not what I thought was coming when we decided to go through one more pregnancy, but I know without a doubt that Hazel was meant for our family.  God had to work some pretty big miracles to get her here, and we are all grateful he did because we sure love this little baby.

The Final Days

I'm still pregnant, but hopefully this baby will come any day.  Like today.  That would be lovely.  This pregnancy has been such a challenge for me.  I've tried so hard to fight off the depression, and that means that I've had to die inside.  Turn off all emotions completely.  That hasn't been fun.  And sometimes I don't succeed.  Sometimes, like last night, the darkness gets to me and I fall apart.  I hate the wife I'm forced to be, the mother pregnancy makes me become, the daughter, the me I have to be while I'm pregnant.  I can't wait for it to be over.  Sometimes I get scared that things won't go back to normal after I'm done because it has been so long since I felt like myself.  And I get worried how I will be able to handle all that comes with a newborn when I can barely function right now as it is.  I have to trust that things will be better and I will be capable of more when I'm not pregnant.  Anyway, hopefully today will be the end of this long ordeal! But probably not.

The Greatest Battles Fought Are Within the Human Mind

I feel a great need to sort through my thoughts and feelings, and apparently this is the place I've decided to do it.  Luckily, most everyone thinks this blog is dead and they won't read this because I'm not terribly inclined to have everyone know what my life is like at the moment.

I'm pregnant. 18 weeks.  To put it gently, pregnancy does not agree with this body of mine, physically, mentally, or emotionally.  I'm now over the worst of the sickness and vomiting, I still throw up most mornings and don't feel that great, but it is nothing compared to how terrible it was before.  I pretty much lived in my bed.  Poor Hadley was so sick of it.  Every time I carried her into my room she would start crying and point to go out.  It wasn't fun.  I was in bed and asleep most nights by 8.  Poor John and the kids had to do everything.  I was completely worthless to them.  Everything that made me who me is was taken from me.  I wasn't capable of anything.  Often, I broke down and cried to John that I really missed being me.  And I know he missed his wife, and my kids definitely missed their mom.  We still do.  I see pictures of friends doing simple things with their kids-building snowmen, art projects, reading books, going for walks-and I break down.  That part of me is dead.  And I hate that.

You would think that life would be better since the sickness has lessened.  But what I'm going through now is worse.  The darkness of depression is seeping into my mind and heart.  I'm trying so hard to fight it, I don't want to hurt my sweet husband and children, but each night I go to bed feeling that despite my best efforts, the darkness has consumed another part of me.  It frightens me.  And I feel guilty.  Spiritually, depression is devastating.  I think to myself, "If only I had greater faith.  If only I prayed with more intent.  If only I were better, stronger.  It's my fault."  My mind can try to tell my heart that those things aren't true, but it is a whisper compared to the magnitude of the darkness in my mind.  The scariest part is wondering just how far it will go.

I don't want to be around people.  I try to force myself, but I don't want concern and pity and questions.  I feel weak and defective.  Someone recently tried to comfort me by telling me that we had to find a way to be grateful for our suffering because it brought sweet children into our home.  I know they meant well, and I know that is true.  But when I try each day with every fiber of my being to rise above this darkness and feel joy, gratitude, and peace....I fall short every day.  I can't do it.  Experiences like that reinforce the idea that it is better to just keep it all to myself.  My best hope is that my toxicity won't spread to John and the kids.  I can suffer through this, but I can't bear the thought of injuring my family because I'm not strong enough to rise above this.

I cry all the time.  Whenever I am alone.  I can't sleep.  I don't feel the joy and happiness that I use to despite the chaos and taxing demands of my family.  I am petrified of adding a baby to the life that already seems to overwhelm me, I don't know how I can do it.

I just have to go back to the faith I still have.  When I made the decision to do this again, I knew that God would see me through it.  I know He will.  And yet, the weeks left loom over me and frighten me with the possibilities of how much damage I could possibly do in that time.

Spiritual Confusion

Over 8 years ago, I had an experience while praying about having children that led me to believe there was another boy, besides Carston, that was meant to come to our family.  Part of that experience also let me know that there was another girl who would come first.  Not too long later, after a very dark and difficult pregnancy, Macy came into our family.  After that pregnancy, and seeing the damage the depression wrecked on my marriage, I felt Heavenly Father was wise to give me that prompting of another son.  Otherwise, I don't know if John and I would have made the choice to go through it again.  About 10 months after Macy was born, we found out that I was pregnant again.  I desperately wanted to know if this would be the last time I would have to do pregnancy.  After much praying and time, there was an experience at a church in California that let me know there was a 5th baby for our family.  We decided not to find out the gender of our baby before it was born.  Because of my experience though, both my mom and I bought baby boy clothes as the due date fast approached.  You can imagine everyone's surprise when Kate was born.  No boy.  I figured that boy would be that 5th child I felt needed to come to our family.  It took me a few years before I felt like I could handle another pregnancy.  It was another difficult pregnancy.  Each one seemed to increase in its taxation on me physically and emotionally.  Before the ultrasound, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to know if I could please be done after this one.  I did not want to go through another pregnancy.  I honestly didn't know if I was strong enough.  I felt like that would be okay.  At the ultrasound, we found out that our 5th child would be a girl.  While I was so excited to know more about the baby my body was carrying, I walked out of the office and told John that I was in shock.  I didn't know how to reconcile what I felt were 2 conflicting spiritual experiences.  Regardless of this boy I felt should come, I decided that there was absolutely no way that I would do another pregnancy.  I decided he would just have to come to our family in a way that didn't involve my body making him.  But God had other plans.  I had a few experiences in church and in the temple.  What I felt most strongly was that God wanted us to have another child, but it was my choice, and it wasn't wrong if I said no.  As I thought about the tremendous blessing that each child in our family was, there was no doubt in my mind that we would have a 6th child.  That transformation of my heart is one of the greatest miracles of the atonement that I have experienced.  I would have sworn on my life that I would never go through another pregnancy.  And yet, here I am, pregnant with our 6th baby.  John and I were both extremely terrified to go through another pregnancy, but I felt strongly that God would see us through it.  I felt like God was strengthening and guiding us to fulfill that impression I had felt about 8 years ago-he was going to get that baby boy into our family.
This pregnancy started out like all of others with extreme morning sickness.  I decided to ask God for a miracle.  I prayed and had John give me a blessing asking that the sickness be removed if it was not against his will.  It was not to be.  While I felt like it was tempered and I have been strengthened, the extreme morning sickness was fully present.  I was so incredibly anxious to find out the gender of our baby.  I found a place who would determine the gender at 15 weeks.  We took the whole family, even my parents, and went to find out about this baby.
Our sweet little baby is a girl.  While I was excited to know more about the tiny baby growing inside, you can imagine the inner turmoil that has resulted.  I don't want this sweet baby to ever feel like we didn't want her, or that we wanted a boy, we are so excited to have her be a part of our family.  But I have seriously struggled trying to reconcile what I felt were spiritual promptings and impressions with how things have played out.  As soon as they told me she was a girl, I felt like my spirit was paralyzed.  The next few days were some of the most difficult spiritual days I've experienced.  The way I saw it, there were three options.  Number 1: God wanted me to have another baby after this one.  Number 2: I was incapable of interpreting the spirit and couldn't trust myself when it came to understanding what the Holy Ghost and God were communicating to me.  Number 3: It was all part of God's plan for me and my family, but it would be one of those things that I would not be given to understand.  All three of these terrified me.  For the first time in my life, I absolutely did not want to pray.  I did not want to ask God if he wanted me to have another baby because for the first time in my life, I was not willing to do whatever God asked of me.  All through my life, I felt like I had always been willing to do whatever God prompted and asked of me, even if it was something I didn't want to do.  But for the first time, I did not feel willing.  I did not want to do another pregnancy.  And that led me to another first in my life.  I was angry with God.  I felt abandoned to think that he would give me these experiences and that pregnancy would be so difficult to endure.  If he wanted me to have all these children, couldn't he have made pregnancy less of a personal hell?  All of these feelings made me feel very ashamed.  I knew there were so many bigger problems in the world, so much greater suffering, but I still felt this way.
And it terrified me to think that I had simply misinterpreted my experiences all along.  It terrified me to think that I couldn't understand the spirit.  I couldn't be trusted to understand what God was trying to communicate with me.  It was a very dark time in my life.  The only prayer I could utter was that I might be able to reconcile myself with God.  For several days, I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't.  I didn't say much to John.  I didn't answer calls from my mom and sisters.  I avoided everyone.  I was struggling spiritually more than I ever had in my life.  I was trying to pray and trying to find peace, but I couldn't.  Finally, I made a decision.
I decided this pregnancy was the last.  There would be no more.  There would not be a 7th pregnancy.  As soon as I made that decision, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
I don't understand everything that has happened.  Nothing has spiritually shaken me like these experiences have.  I have pleaded for some kind of understanding and the only feeling I get is that it is not the time for me to understand.  I just have to move forward and rely on the faith I have that God has a plan no matter how mysterious it seems to me.

Skipping some time....

I'm going to skip a significant amount of time on this family blog.  I tried making a photo book, and there is no time for me to replicate what I already did.  I'm still trying to figure out my preferred method of record keeping for my family....We will see if things change :)

Dear Macy

Dear Macy,
I love you.  Every year you are growing and changing and developing yourself.  I like to see the person you are becoming.  I like to see you fight to overcome obstacles.  You are always so determined to accomplish the things you want to do.  Sometimes, you get frustrated because you can't do everything "perfect" on the first try.  You are getting better though at being patient with yourself.  That's a good thing.  Everyone needs to be patient with themselves.  I still have to work on that sometimes.  I want to be perfect at everything,  but I'm learning to let that go and just do my best.  The other day, you wistfully said to me, "Mom, what if I was perfect at EVERYTHING...."  One day, Macy.  But not for a very, very very long time.
Right now, you are working on piano and gymnastics.  You have so many things that you want to do, but those are what we've narrowed them down to.  You like to push yourself in both of those.  You find great satisfaction in learning and mastering new skills.
You are doing great with school this year.  You are showing much more independence just since last year.  You know that you have to complete your assignments, and I don't think there have been any times where you've thrown a fit and tried to get out of it.  You love to read.  You like music.  I love singing with you.  You seem to be getting along great with the kids at school.
You have lots of friends you like to play with: Ella, Indie, Quincy, Annie, Ellie, Carlie....you love playing with people.  Some of these girls are new to our area this year, and I've been pleased with the way that you've taken them under your wing and made them feel comfortable.
You are such a big help with Hadley.  You love taking care of her.  I greatly appreciate your help.  The first time that Carston was babysitting, guess who changed Hadley's poopy diaper?  Not Carston!  You did!  And you did a good job.
I love you, Macy.  I'm so happy that you are a member of our family.
Love, Mom

Dear Avery

Dear Avery,
Right now you are 9 and we are just finishing up our first month of school.  I love you so much Avery.  You are a light in the world.  You are positive and encouraging.  You are incredibly creative.  You are always coming up with fun, creative, and elaborate things to play.  Your sisters greatly benefit from your imagination, and I know that it has inspired their own.  You are a great sister.  I truly appreciate the way that you look out for your sisters and seek to help them.  You are definitely a peacemaker and try to make our family run smoothly.
I have been very impressed with how well you have been working in school.  You are independent, you stay focused, and you work hard.  I don't have to remind you to be doing your work.  That is a big help for me.  I love to read the things you write.
This year, you decided that you wanted to do gymnastics again.  I've loved to watch you work in gymnastics.  You've learned that as long as you don't give up, and you keep trying, you will eventually be able to do the things you are trying to learn.  That is awesome!
This summer, one of your best friends moved.  It has been hard for you, but I've been so proud of the way you are trying to make the best of it.  I have loved watching you strengthen other relationships.  Everyone loves to play with you because you are a good, kind friend.
You still love to read.  You hardly ever get in trouble, but if you do, it is usually because you are reading when you're supposed to be doing something else.  It reminds me of myself when I was your age.  Whenever we go to the library, you finish your books within the first week.  There was a book set you really wanted that cost $15.  You set up a store in your room with a whole bunch of things to sell.  Macy and Kate were your best customers.  After that, you were still a few dollars short.  You earned the rest by doing the dishes and thoroughly cleaning the car (vacuum, washing windows, etc.).  I thought that was great that you were willing to work hard for what you wanted.
You still love snuggling, going to grandma's, playing games, playing with your friends, riding your bike, rollerblading, and creating things.
I love you. Avery.  I feel so lucky to be your mom, and I'm so happy with the person you are.
Love, Mom

Dear Carston

Dear Carston,
You are growing up.  This last year, Dad and I have noticed a change in you as you have started to mature and just act, think, and feel older.  It feels like you are leaving your childhood and entering a new stage of life.  It is exciting.  Every so often, I feel like I get a glimpse of who you will be as an adult.  And I like what I see.
I like your kindness.  You are nice to all of your friends.  I never hear you putting them down or saying anything that would make them feel bad.  There have been a few times where there was trouble, and it just about killed you.  You love to be on good terms with everyone and that is a good quality.  All of the times you had to be the new kid, those have given you compassion.  I remind you to look for others who need a friend or to be included, but you are often already doing it on your own.  I love that you are developing that habit because it will bring you and Heavenly Father great happiness.
You are developing quite a humorous streak.  I'm going to say that comes from your dad :)  You can make me laugh.  One of the things we are working on though, is knowing when it is appropriate to be funny, and when it isn't a good time.  You're learning :)
School this past year went really well.  At the beginning of the year, you were coasting.  You had a "good enough" attitude that didn't sit very well with me.  It didn't help that your "good enough" lack of effort still gave you a high ranking.  We had some talks, and you actually pushed yourself to excel.  It was awesome.  I want you to always push yourself in every area to see what you are capable of: physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially.  We are here to progress, and that doesn't happen without exertion.  You brought home perfect scores in writing, science, and other areas, but what really mattered is that you were giving it your best effort.  You are capable of amazing things if you put in the effort.  God has blessed you with a quick mind.
I love that you are curious and want to experience new things.  You did competitive soccer last year, which you loved.  The time commitment was daunting though, considering that you still had to play basketball and baseball.  Double sports each season was NOT ideal for the family, but we did it.  When it came time for tryouts again, we decided to all pray about it.  You decided yourself not to do it.  And Dad and I felt the same way.  I love how the spirit works like that.  It tells us truth.  I am excited for you to continue having experiences with the spirit and learning more about how he can guide you and direct you.  Back to wanting to do it all.  Your latest thing is golfing.  And you want to do tennis.  And fencing.  And guitar.  And a million other things.  That's a good thing :)
You just went away for 5 days to summer camp.  I about died.  I thought about you all the time and was counting down until you came home.  Dad doesn't know how I'll survive your mission :)  You absolutely loved it.  You haven't stopped talking about how fun it was.  I can't believe that the little boy who made me a mom all those years ago is old enough to spend five days away from me all on his own.  ]
You still love anything army (Dustin just hooked you up with a duffle bag).  You like to play any sport.  You love hanging out with friends, staying up late, watching Angels' games with dad, playing games, reading, drawing silly pictures, eating treats, playing MineCraft, having airsoft wars, and playing night games.  You don't like eating beans (your worst enemy), when I make you go to bed before 10, when people mess up your legos, or when none of your friends can play.
I love you so much Carston.  You are an enjoyable person to be around.  What I want for you more than anything is to develop your own testimony of the gospel, to have a relationship with Heavenly Father, to develop your talents and gifts, and to then spend your life serving God by serving the people around you.  For me, that is how you find true joy in life.
Love, Mom

Dear Hadley

Dear Hadley,
You are the most adorable baby.  It is hard to imagine our family before you were born.  We all love you so much and can't get enough of you.

Right now, you like to think you can walk down stairs.  Needless to say, this doesn't always go so well :)  Your other new obsession is putting on everyone's shoes.  Add that into the stair mix and things definitely end poorly.  You are a busy, busy girl.  You are always moving, always exploring, and always wanting to try things yourself.  That usually results in lots of messes and lots of crying when you don't get your way.  You LOVE being outside.  Absolutely love it.  You love going for walks in your push-along car Grandma and Grandpa got you for Christmas.  You love baby dolls and stuffed animals.  When you get out of your crib in the morning, usually courtesy of Macy, you head for Avery's room and choose some stuffed animals to lug around for the morning.  You also love real babies.  When your cousin Connor was here for a month in the summer, you couldn't get enough of him.  You did your best, but he definitely got clobbered a few times when you were loving on him.  Everyone loves to watch you dance in the car.  You shake your head and wave one arm around.  It is pretty adorable.

After our experience with Avery being allergic to dairy, we had our suspicions since you stopped nursing.  I put you on a different formula and that seemed to help.  When you turned one, we tried milk and it did not go over well.  We decided to put you on Almond Milk instead and that has worked out much better.  No screaming and writhing in the night, no trouble with your poops, no nasal congestion, and no flushed, rough cheeks.  The only downside is that most kids get their fat from dairy.  You didn't gain weight the last three months, so the doctor and I are keeping an eye on that and I'm trying to pump you full of other fatty, non-dairy foods.  We will see how it goes.  You are an excellent eater and you eat a TON to make up for all those missed calories most kids drink.

Since we took you off dairy, you sleep through the night like a champ.  I am very grateful to you for that!  That makes it a lot easier for me to be a happy, calm mother.  We tried to train you from the beginning to be an independent sleeper and you seem to have the knack of it.  We just put you in bed with your blanket and bear and you go to sleep.  We took away your binky when you first turned one. That was only hard for a couple days.  We decided to do it because when we got home from a trip, no one could find your binky when it was time for a nap.  Kate found one the next day, but I figured we were already halfway there so we would tough it out.

You love reading books.  Or should I say, you love bringing us books and looking at a few pages before dashing off to grab another book.  You absolutely are in love with your baby cousin Paige.  We all think you'll grow up to be good buddies.  She seems to like you too :)

Your siblings all love you.  They are always anxious to make you happy and none of them, Macy especially, can handle it if you are crying.  We love your sweet loves and kisses.  I love how whenever I carry you, you hang on to my arm with no intention of letting go.  I also love when I'm putting you down for a nap how you snuggle into me for a bit before you go down.  Your smile and ensuing dimples melt my heart.  Your laugh is contagious and makes it difficult for anyone to ever stop playing with you.

I love you so much sweet, little Hadley.  I am so grateful that I listened to the promptings of the spirit and went through another rough pregnancy.  You were worth every single second of awfulness.  You are a testament that God's plan for us is always better than our own plan.

Love, Mom