Over 8 years ago, I had an experience while praying about having children that led me to believe there was another boy, besides Carston, that was meant to come to our family. Part of that experience also let me know that there was another girl who would come first. Not too long later, after a very dark and difficult pregnancy, Macy came into our family. After that pregnancy, and seeing the damage the depression wrecked on my marriage, I felt Heavenly Father was wise to give me that prompting of another son. Otherwise, I don't know if John and I would have made the choice to go through it again. About 10 months after Macy was born, we found out that I was pregnant again. I desperately wanted to know if this would be the last time I would have to do pregnancy. After much praying and time, there was an experience at a church in California that let me know there was a 5th baby for our family. We decided not to find out the gender of our baby before it was born. Because of my experience though, both my mom and I bought baby boy clothes as the due date fast approached. You can imagine everyone's surprise when Kate was born. No boy. I figured that boy would be that 5th child I felt needed to come to our family. It took me a few years before I felt like I could handle another pregnancy. It was another difficult pregnancy. Each one seemed to increase in its taxation on me physically and emotionally. Before the ultrasound, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to know if I could please be done after this one. I did not want to go through another pregnancy. I honestly didn't know if I was strong enough. I felt like that would be okay. At the ultrasound, we found out that our 5th child would be a girl. While I was so excited to know more about the baby my body was carrying, I walked out of the office and told John that I was in shock. I didn't know how to reconcile what I felt were 2 conflicting spiritual experiences. Regardless of this boy I felt should come, I decided that there was absolutely no way that I would do another pregnancy. I decided he would just have to come to our family in a way that didn't involve my body making him. But God had other plans. I had a few experiences in church and in the temple. What I felt most strongly was that God wanted us to have another child, but it was my choice, and it wasn't wrong if I said no. As I thought about the tremendous blessing that each child in our family was, there was no doubt in my mind that we would have a 6th child. That transformation of my heart is one of the greatest miracles of the atonement that I have experienced. I would have sworn on my life that I would never go through another pregnancy. And yet, here I am, pregnant with our 6th baby. John and I were both extremely terrified to go through another pregnancy, but I felt strongly that God would see us through it. I felt like God was strengthening and guiding us to fulfill that impression I had felt about 8 years ago-he was going to get that baby boy into our family.
This pregnancy started out like all of others with extreme morning sickness. I decided to ask God for a miracle. I prayed and had John give me a blessing asking that the sickness be removed if it was not against his will. It was not to be. While I felt like it was tempered and I have been strengthened, the extreme morning sickness was fully present. I was so incredibly anxious to find out the gender of our baby. I found a place who would determine the gender at 15 weeks. We took the whole family, even my parents, and went to find out about this baby.
Our sweet little baby is a girl. While I was excited to know more about the tiny baby growing inside, you can imagine the inner turmoil that has resulted. I don't want this sweet baby to ever feel like we didn't want her, or that we wanted a boy, we are so excited to have her be a part of our family. But I have seriously struggled trying to reconcile what I felt were spiritual promptings and impressions with how things have played out. As soon as they told me she was a girl, I felt like my spirit was paralyzed. The next few days were some of the most difficult spiritual days I've experienced. The way I saw it, there were three options. Number 1: God wanted me to have another baby after this one. Number 2: I was incapable of interpreting the spirit and couldn't trust myself when it came to understanding what the Holy Ghost and God were communicating to me. Number 3: It was all part of God's plan for me and my family, but it would be one of those things that I would not be given to understand. All three of these terrified me. For the first time in my life, I absolutely did not want to pray. I did not want to ask God if he wanted me to have another baby because for the first time in my life, I was not willing to do whatever God asked of me. All through my life, I felt like I had always been willing to do whatever God prompted and asked of me, even if it was something I didn't want to do. But for the first time, I did not feel willing. I did not want to do another pregnancy. And that led me to another first in my life. I was angry with God. I felt abandoned to think that he would give me these experiences and that pregnancy would be so difficult to endure. If he wanted me to have all these children, couldn't he have made pregnancy less of a personal hell? All of these feelings made me feel very ashamed. I knew there were so many bigger problems in the world, so much greater suffering, but I still felt this way.
And it terrified me to think that I had simply misinterpreted my experiences all along. It terrified me to think that I couldn't understand the spirit. I couldn't be trusted to understand what God was trying to communicate with me. It was a very dark time in my life. The only prayer I could utter was that I might be able to reconcile myself with God. For several days, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't. I didn't say much to John. I didn't answer calls from my mom and sisters. I avoided everyone. I was struggling spiritually more than I ever had in my life. I was trying to pray and trying to find peace, but I couldn't. Finally, I made a decision.
I decided this pregnancy was the last. There would be no more. There would not be a 7th pregnancy. As soon as I made that decision, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
I don't understand everything that has happened. Nothing has spiritually shaken me like these experiences have. I have pleaded for some kind of understanding and the only feeling I get is that it is not the time for me to understand. I just have to move forward and rely on the faith I have that God has a plan no matter how mysterious it seems to me.
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