Baby Girl...We Can't Wait to Meet You

In order to write this post, I need to go back about 6 or 7 years.  Carston was 2 and Avery was just a little baby.  John and I frequently prayed that we would be guided as we continued to add children to our little family.  One night as I was praying, I had a special experience where I had insight into 2 of the children meant for our family.  One of those was a girl and one was a boy.  And I felt significant things regarding each of them.  Well, not too long after that little Macy came into the family.  Not much longer after Macy's birth, we found ourselves expecting our 4th child.  Seeing as how I struggle to make it through each pregnancy, I needed to know right from the beginning if number 4 would be our last child.  The urgency with which I sought an answer was a bit baffling to John.  But I needed to know for my peace of mind.  After a period of intense supplication, I learned without a shadow of a doubt that number 5 was also waiting to come to our family.  With that knowledge, I didn't know if baby number 4 would be that boy I had felt or if he would come as our 5th child.  We didn't find out the gender at the ultrasound.  Everyone was pretty shocked when Miss Kate made her way into the world as our 4th child.  She was not that little boy I had sensed.
After Kate, it took me a long time before I felt I could get through another pregnancy.  3 and 1/2 years.  I knew that there was still a little boy meant to be part of our family.  After we moved, I knew it was time to bite the bullet.  After some setbacks, I found myself pregnant.  During the first few months of pregnancy when things were at their worst, I prayed frequently to know Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I quite honestly felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel to make it through this pregnancy (still feel that way) and did not know that I could get through another one without serious consequences.  I did not want to go through another pregnancy when I was through with this one, and I wanted to know if that was acceptable with God and what he desired of me.  In the end, I felt like it was okay for me to not be pregnant again.
John and I went in on Halloween for our ultrasound.  I love that day.  You get reassurance that everything is going well, get a glimpse of your child, and get to find out what you are having.  A few times, it had crossed my mind that this baby could be a girl, but for some reason, I didn't give those much heed.  I think I figured that God knew I had been pushed to my breaking point with pregnancies. And I had received the reassurance that it was okay if this was my last one.  After the doctor checked everything on the baby, he checked to see if it was a boy or girl.  It is a girl.  I couldn't believe it.  We walked out of the office and I told John I felt like I was in shock.  He said he wasn't, he had been feeling like it would be a girl but didn't dare mention that to me.  I was so excited for this sweet little girl, and yet so confused at the same time with what God's plan for me was.  Did this mean there was no little boy for our family?  Did it mean that I was wrong when I felt like it was okay to never be pregnant again?  Did it mean that I could not trust my interpretation of the spiritual feelings I received?
The thought that keeps running through my mind is, "God moves in mysterious ways."  Macy's pregnancy was the worst by a long shot.  There has not been a darker time in my life, or in our marriage, than during her pregnancy.  Before becoming pregnant with her, I had the impression of that baby girl and boy.  That impression prepared me so that I would be willing to have a 4th baby even though my 3rd pregnancy was so hard.  When I was pregnant with the 4th, God granted me the knowledge that there was a number 5.  So when Kate was born, I was still prepared to do one more pregnancy to get our boy.  And now, with baby 5 turning out to be another girl meant for our family, it means that we will find that little boy through a means other than pregnancy.  That is kind of confusing. The bottom line is that I most likely would have stopped at 3 kids, but because the Lord led me along we will one day have 6.
I don't know quite exactly what the Lord's plan for me or our family is.  There is still so much confusion and unanswered questions about this elusive boy.  In the song, "Lead Kindly Light" there is a line that has been running through my head.  "Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene-one step enough for me."  Sometimes I think God gives us just enough of a glimpse of his plans so that we will be led along in the way that he knows is best for us.  If we saw the full picture and all that he had in store for us, I think sometimes it might be overwhelming and we would be hesitant to walk down the road he knows is meant for us.  Without his promptings, I would be missing some of the greatest blessings in my life.  But if I fully knew what sacrifices would be required of me to obtain his blessing, I might have been frightened and doubtful of my ability of make them.  He truly does lead us along in wise and mysterious ways.  I am so thankful.
So baby girl, I cannot wait to meet you.  You are an unexpected blessing I never saw coming.