Bluff

Um...I think I need a new post. Maybe I could write about what I've been up to the last few months. Maybe I could post pictures of the furniture projects I've finished. Or maybe I could write about all the waiting we've been doing, all the patience I've been learning. How about posting pictures of my kids. Or John's awesome ending to this basketball season.

Or maybe not! I guess I've used up all my energy :)

Feeling bad about yourself...Read this.

I have an AMAZING husband! That thought is usually always somewhere in my mind, sometimes faint, sometimes strong. Right now it is especially present. Why, you may ask. Because I've been incredibly intelligent this past month. It is incredibly embarrassing to recollect all my recent "shining moments." There have been so many though that it has actually become quite comedic.

Let's start with about 4 weeks ago. It was a busy afternoon. I can't remember the specifics of what I was juggling, but I had a meeting in Lehi that I needed to attend. This meant dropping my kids off with my sister-in-law who had offered to babysit. There was something unusual that happened while loading the car...oh yeah, we had a couple girls from the neighborhood over to play. I was going to drop them off on my way. Well, needless to say, in the extra chaos that created in loading everyone in the car...I locked my purse-hence my keys-in the house. We were trapped! And I had not allotted any time for such an error. I had to call John from work so he could come unlock the door, but that meant I didn't have time to drop off the kids, which meant that John had to then go drop everyone off while I jetted to the meeting in a panic because I was late.

Fast-forward a few days (less than a week)....I did it again. Not the meeting and everything, but the keys...locked in the house...another call to my husband to come rescue me. Yep. I was feeling very special at that moment.

Fast-forward a couple weeks. This one is bad. I don't know why I'm even proclaiming it for all the world to know. Maybe I feel the need to document the beginning of the end of my intelligence. When my kids and husband start to wonder when it all started, they can pin it back to this date. Macy had been invited to participate in Orem High's preschool. Needless to say, she was ecstatic. We were all in the car, ready to go, definitely going to be on time. I started backing out and there was a huge thud. My heart dropped. Something you need to know is that our garage does not have a door connected to the house. We have to go out of the garage and through the front door to get in. Because of that, I can't leave the garage door opener on the car visor. I have to keep it in my purse and take it in with me. Anyway, in the process of backing out, I hit the button and the garage door closed onto the van. And that isn't even the worst part. The truly awful, awful part is that this wasn't my first time backing into the garage door. Yep. I had done it before, just not with as much damage. Kind of makes me sick. I was so completely mortified. I just kept thinking, "Oh crap! I have to tell John that I backed into the garage for the SECOND time!" I seriously felt like the biggest moron.

It gets better. Here I have my 3 year old who is so crazy excited to be doing a "big girl" thing and I CANNOT GET MY CAR OUT OF THE GARAGE! The door was stuck a third of the way down. The bottom wheel on each side was off the track, the metal bent completely out of line....and then I felt even more sick. I turned to my kids and told them we better say a prayer. Less than a minute later, my friend pulled up saying that even though I never responded to her text, she thought she'd drive by and see if I wanted her to take Macy to preschool. Can I say that this is one of the most powerful experiences I've had with prayer? And it was over something so unimportant in the eternal scheme of things: my daughter being able to go to a day of preschool. And yet, it was such a witness to me that God is aware of us, that he knows what we need before we even ask, and that even if it doesn't really matter, he cares that it matters at that moment. Anyway, I was so grateful for her. But I still had a problem. I needed my car. I had another meeting to get to and a tight timeline that went with it. I had 1 hour to get my car out of the garage. I can tell you I was praying a lot. And yet when I saw my retired, old man neighbor my pleadings quickly turned to, "Ah! Please don't let him come over!" As much as I wanted to fix things, I REALLY wanted to do it on my own because I was so MORTIFIED by my actions. I was relieved and yet disappointed he didn't come over. But more relieved. Anyway, I did it. Without getting hurt. My brother ended up with surgery and screws in his hands earlier because the cable or something went flying back and hit him. I was so scared that I was going to seriously hurt myself. I told Carston which neighbor to get for help if anything happened. I also called my brother to see if he knew how to release the tension and ended up leaving a blubbering, hysterical message that has embarrassed me further. Anyway, I did it. Not alone mind you. I had strength and help from above. I had bruises and blood blisters on my hand from bending thick pieces of metal back into place, pulling all sorts of pieces around, etc. It was crazy, but I got the van out just in time. John wondered why I didn't call for help. I did send a text though telling him I wasn't going to be his favorite wife today. And left it at that. I didn't want to tell him, but figured I better prepare him for the moment when I had to say, "Honey...I backed into the garage...again. The car has a huge dent in it and the garage door is broken and won't go down." Yeah, I put that off until super late that night.

Fast-forward exactly one week later. It was preschool again. This same friend who'd saved me asked if I could pick up her daughter. Again, a crazy timeline of events. The plan was to pick up the girls, go drop Kate off at my mom's, run to the library, drop off the friend and get Avery's dance clothes on, pick up Avery's friend, go get Kate, and then take Avery and her friend to dance. I got as far as my mom's house. Then the plan changed drastically. I told everyone to just stay put while I went to the door and passed off Kate. I (irresponsibly) left my keys and phone on the seat (while priding myself for turning off the car-a story for another day) and headed up to the door. But my mom wasn't back quite yet. I took Kate in, but the girls got antsy and quickly came in. Pretty soon after that Carston decided he'd waited long enough and headed in. My mom came in shortly after and it was then we realized that Carston had been very responsible. He had locked the car when he came in. The car that had my keys and phone and purse sitting inside. NOOOO!!!!!!! Did I seriously have to call John AGAIN and tell him to come rescue me?!? So lame. So very, very lame. So, I had to call about four people to get numbers and cancel dance and inform a mother that her daughter was trapped at my mom's house. And so we waited there for a couple hours until John could come rescue me. Staying there was really nice, I could hang out with my mom everyday. It was the fact that I AM BECOMING A DITZ that was so depressing.

I want to proclaim to the world that this isn't really me! I'm not really this flaky! I'm not really like this! But my track record is starting to prove otherwise. Even my sister-in-law laughed as she said this was becoming a pattern. What do I do? Do I give in and admit defeat? Do I come to terms with the fact that I'm failing miserably with having it all together? Or do I live in denial? When I was growing up we had a family with tons of girls next door. One of the older ones, Becky, there is only one thing I remember about her. She backed into the garage when it was closed. That's it. That is what she's known for. And now I'm Becky. John said next time something happens, I should just tell him that Becky came to visit, then he'll know exactly what is going on.

And that brings me to my point. My husband is AMAZING! In all of this, he has not uttered ONE SINGLE CRITICISM! Not a single one. Not one snide remark. Not one attempt at "Why didn't you just..." Nothing. He has been so stinking nice to me. I've been silly writing about it, but really, it has bothered me. A lot. I hate that I've done all these stupid things. And in the timeframe of one month! But he has made me laugh about it. I love that. He is exactly what I need. I can't wallow in self negativity when I'm laughing. I love him for it and I'm so grateful that he will be the one by my side as I continue to do stupid things.

PS-In my defense, I did figure out how to fix the garage door all on my own. Does that cancel it out? If you break it but then fix it, does that make it like it never happened? Except...there is still the issue of the car...dang it.

PSS-I left out the part about how I went to church, got up and bore my testimony, went to dinner at my mom's, and then realized at about 8 that evening that I'd forgotten to put on an important piece of feminine clothing. Yep. I'm doing good. It's sad that I don't even trust myself anymore.

Lost Sayings from 2010

June:
Mom-Kids, each of you are going to have a night each week where you help me make dinner. It is important for you to learn how to cook.
Carston-Well, not me right?
Mom-Yeah, you need to do it too.
Carston-But I don't need to learn how to cook.
Mom-Yeah Carst, you do.
Carston-Oh yeah! Like for Mother's Day and stuff!
*He wasn't trying to be funny. He was dead serious.

August:
Avery decided she wanted to do the lesson for FHE. I think it was close to 2 hours long. She taught us all a great lesson, we acted stuff out, we made things out of clay, she told us stories. She did a great job!

September:
Macy's prayer- "Grateful I could go to Hallie's house. Please bless my mom to behave."

I accidentally got hairspray in Macy's eye. This is how she responded to me: "Heavenly Father doesn't like that. She told me when I was born! She's a girl and Jesus is a boy!"

When we were flying on the airplane, Kate spotted the bag that had all the treats in it. She screamed for 45 minutes straight because she didn't get it. I'm sure everyone around us was so pleased with her dedication to things she cares deeply about.

October:
Macy- "I don't WANT blue eyes! I WANT PURPLE!"

Passing the Baton

Just shy of 3 years...I was released from being the Young Women President in our ward. It is weird to think that when I first started, my kids were 4, 2, 10 months, and a heavenly being. I found out I was pregnant with Kate right after being called. Now my kids are 7, 5, 3, and 2. WOW! That is a lot of life that has gone by. I hate to ever say that I'm busy or that I have a lot going on because that is how most people are. But serving in this calling while meeting the needs of my little kids, the demands of pregnancy and nursing...it was always a challenge. Always. I agonized often about not being able to do everything I wanted in both areas of my life. But I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to serve. It was through this that I truly learned how to be a servant of God.

-I learned that no matter what odds are stacked against me, if it is God's will, it will be done.
-I learned that His work can be accomplished regardless of how weak the vehicle through which He must work.
-I learned that love overcomes fear. I can do things for people even if I'm scared to death because my love for them is more powerful that what I'm scared of.
-I learned that serving others fills you with a love for them that is greater than you could ever imagine.
-I learned that God is present in the details. He guides you to do seemingly insignificant things in order to work miracles in people's lives.
-I learned that you can't take people's trials away, but you can sustain them by following the promptings of the spirit and doing what may seem small and insignificant.
-I learned that I can do anything, ANYTHING, if it is something God wants me to do.
-I learned that God can guide me to do what is essential, and help me let go of everything else.
-I learned that I can do far more in a day than I thought possible.
-I learned that you really do find yourself by losing yourself.
-I learned that I have the most AMAZING supportive husband ever. I never could've had this opportunity and the growth that came with it without him by my side the entire way.
-I learned that I can make a difference.
-I learned that once I finally arrive at camp, I really like it.
-I learned that I can pick a paper off the ground with my mouth without my hands touching the floor.
-I learned all about how much time, love, and energy people put into their callings as they serve us and the Lord (most of which we never see).
-I learned that sometimes the biggest lessons come from mistakes.
-I learned to be comfortable with the fact that I might do things different than how they've been done before. And that can be a good thing.
-I learned that Facebook can be a powerful tool for good.
-I learned that the girls in our ward are AMAZING! They are courageous. They are strong. They fight for their testimonies. They fight for each other. I love these girls like they are my daughters.
-I learned that I can teach a decent lesson with no warning or preparation.
-I learned how to delegate.
-I learned that it is ESSENTIAL to pray and study your scriptures daily if you want the spirit to guide you. ESSENTIAL!
-I learned that following promptings, even if you don't understand them, can work miracles.
-I learned that when girls struggle with their testimonies and slide into inactivity, it doesn't just break their mother's hearts.
-I learned that it is an insane blessing to have parents who love you and have raised you in the light.
-I learned that even if the girls love you and care about you, they'll still be too chicken to tell you that you've been walking around camp all day with a hole in the bum of your pants.
-I learned that people answer my prayers and they'll probably never know it.
-I learned how important it was to tell people when what they do has mattered.
-I learned that if the lighting is dark enough, I can still pass for under 18 (and my heart still goes out to that young man that must have been embarrased at the dance).
-I learned that if we are striving for growth and development, and we show that we are willing to work and sacrifice for it, the Lord will deliver.
-I learned that you can't try to inspire others without inspiring yourself in the process.
-I learned that it is important to let girls become leaders even if it means things don't run as smoothly.
-I learned that God can open your eyes to truth that everyone else doesn't see when He needs you to do something.
-I learned that it is often while praying that inspiration comes.
-I learned all about the crazy power that comes from writing down promptings and spiritual experiences.
-I learned about how important it is to volunteer instead of waiting for someone to ask.
-I learned more about how much God loves me. He has sustained me, strengthened me, inspired me, led me...I am so grateful to God for everything. I am nothing without Him.
-I learned that meetings are my least favorite part of this calling....there are a lot...especially when camp planning is underway.
-I learned that I will love these girls for the rest of my life. They will always be in my heart, I will always be anxious to hear how they are doing, and I will always have a burning desire for them to walk God's path and be the women He desires.

If someone would have told me I'd be doing this when I was 26, I would have thought they were crazy. I didn't put a lot of faith in my abilities. I strived to do what was right, I trusted God, but I hadn't yet become someone He could trust. And that was essential to this calling. One of the greatest things I'll take away from this experience is a greater confidence that God can trust me. When he needs something to be done, when he needs to reach out His hand to one of His children here on earth, I can be His instrument. I've learned that it doesn't matter what my weaknesses are, my insecurities, of course there will always be someone who could do it better. But that doesn't matter. What matters is this, if God wants me to do something, if He prompts me, will I do it? No matter what it is. Will I put my trust in Him and know that whatever it is, even if it is seemingly impossible, it can be done? Right now more than any other time in my life, I can say yes to that question.

Yesterday after I was released, my mom said to me, "You did it." And it made me cry. There was doubting along the way. There were times when I would think, "Someone better needs to be here, someone who won't mess this up, someone wiser who will know what to do. Who am I to carry this responsibility?" But I did it. Despite myself. I remember thinking at the beginning, "I am so inept. But if the Lord wants me to do it, I can pray and read my scriptures and seek His guidance, I can do that. And if I do that, it will be okay." And there wasn't any other way I could have taken on this crazy challenge.

I know there are probably situations where I could have done better. But I gave it my best. And I did it all through God. Anything I had to do, whether small or large...every lesson, special event, every single girl...everything was prayed and discussed with God. Everything. And so I can look back with peace knowing that even though it was far from perfect, it was my best offering.

I'm so grateful I had this opportunity. I understand so much more when people talk about how callings were most of all for their own growth. That is exactly how I feel. As challenging as it was, I am a little scared for it to end because I don't want the growing to end :) I am so grateful, so grateful to Heavenly Father for pushing me and supporting me through these last 3 years.

Where's Carston?

I'm a typical mom. I check on my sleeping kids each night before I head to bed. A few weeks ago, I went to check on Macy and she wasn't in her bed. I kind of started to panic. I checked Avery's bed wondering if she read her books and she fell asleep. Nope. Checked in Kate's room. Nothing. I was really getting worried. Checked our bed to see if she snuck off there. Empty. Now my heart was starting to race...where was she!?! I started yelling at John and he came in. I finally flung the light on to see if I was missing anything. I was. Macy and Carston share a bunk. Her mattress sits on the floor. She was under there, pushed all the way against the wall with her blankets covering her. John had a good chuckle over my frantic state :)

Fast-forward a few days. Like usual, I checked the kids before heading to bed. This time, no Carston. I had learned my lesson from Macy so I physically put my hand all over his bed to make sure I wasn't missing the lump. No Carston. I looked in the girls' beds. Nope. Kate's room and my bed. Still missing. I went back and looked all over in his room until I finally spotted him. This time, I thought John should have the experience of seeking and not finding :) He looked all over and I think I finally had to point him out :) I've been gutting my house and cleaning everything out, so their room was more cluttered than normal. There was about 1 foot between the vacuum and the wall. He was curled around the vacuum in that space. His face was seriously 1 inch away from the vacuum. It was pretty funny :) I don't know what he was doing there! It was hard to see him because the vacuum hid his face and the blanket hid his body.

Little Girl Party

Whenever my sisters are in town, we try to have a "Little Girl Party." We have to clarify which girls we are talking about because the old girls like me still like to party! Ha Ha! Seriously though, we like to have girl parties still...they just look a little different from this! It all starts with my big bag of play makeup. The girls spend forever putting it on. It is interesting to watch their different personalities come out as they put it on. Macy and Peyton cake it on. They can't get enough of it. Who cares that they already put lipstick on, there are still 20 more tubes and they'll put a little of each on. Hallie was the first one done. She put a little bit on and did it in all the right places, evidence of her detail-oriented trait. Avery wanted to go the whole nine yards. She did all the makeup, decided she was Belle, and made me do her hair just like Belle's. It had to "have a bun on the top and a ponytail in back!" It was fun. Then my mom pulled out her fancy cake she had somehow managed to make after too many late nights, we made flower sandwiches, pink lemonade, and tea party dishes. We even made Chelsey pull out the old Prom dress and be a Princess Waitress! Love her! Once they all got their dressups and shoes on, the Princess Tea Party began....I have the best women as not just my family, but my absolute best friends.

Christmas...In March...There's Still Snow Right?

When I was a teenager putting all my pictures into scrapbooks, I remember finding it strange that there weren't more pictures from Christmases past. As a mother of four little kids, I get it now. It is one of those times when so much is happening, so much that I could be documenting, and yet I don't. I have less pictures from Christmas Break than almost any other time of year. The truth is that it is one of the times when I'm most present. I don't want to be bothered with recording how wonderful and fun and amazing everything is...I'm too busy feeling wonderful, having fun, and being amazed with how blessed I am. It is a time when I just want to soak up everything around me. My sisters come back into town and I LOVE it! I love my sisters. I love their husbands and my nieces (and new nephew that I'm DYING to hold!). I love playing games, sitting around talking, making memories for our kids that they may or may not be old enough to remember. I love that John is home and around more. I love that there is no school, no commitments to outside influences (almost). I love it. So while the lack of posts from December might cause a person to think that nothing happened, I'll tell you that December was filled up to the brim. It was filled with joy, love, gratitude, happiness, fun, growth....

After that's been said, I do have a few pictures:

Carston got this little snowboard for Christmas (his mother may or may not have bought it thinking of herself :). He wanted to go out in Grandma's backyard and have me help him. I was trying to get Kate to take a nap and that was disastrous. By the time it was accomplished, I was needed elsewhere. I didn't know what to do. My sweet brother-in-law Jared came to the rescue. He went out there for probably over an hour and helped him learn how to snowboard. I cried then and I'm crying now thinking of it. I love you for that Jared. For real. Thank you.

John didn't say it, but he used to be disappointed with our small stash of gifts under the tree when we only had Carston. 3 more kids and things have changed :) And I was very pleased to have almost the entire stash of goods purchased throughout the year from clearance that was 50-75 percent off. I saved us a lot of money when it came to Christmas. John didn't appreciate this until we took on some secret santa families and he saw what Christmas cost when you paid full-price :) It was slightly painful to pay full price for things...it helped that it was for someone else :)

Ho! I love your stinking guts! This is my sweet sister from Texas who now has 3 little kids. Her husband is doing residency and often has crazy hours. I wish so badly that we lived close so I could help her out. I'm so grateful for the good friends from her ward who watch her kids, get up early in the morning to come over because she's in labor, and who do all the other things I can't do from Utah! She teases her husband about his picture taking skills...she thinks he doesn't know how to frame the picture...

Thanks OB! I really wanted to have a picture of Stephanie's bridal photo.

These girls are both so cute and funny. We were happy they were friends with each other this time around. I'm worried that between them and Macy, we might find ourselves with some interesting situations through the years :)

Christmas Eve at Aunt Dicksy's! I have the greatest Aunt Dicksy! I love that we are still close to our cousins. I love that we support each other and have fun together. I can't wait for our Girls' Weekend!

We went bowling :) I liked Macy's face as she watched her ball go down :)

My Focus

Awhile back, I stumbled upon a blog. I think I got there because of a post she'd written on another blog about parenting. Right away I felt like I'd found a "kindred spirit" (to steal Anne of Green Gables words). I felt like she was putting into words all the feelings and thoughts I never seemed to have the time or the resources to articulate so well. I loved reading her stuff. I feel like she is living my life a few years down the road. She even has a daughter who looks like Macy. Once a picture of her was on the screen and Macy came over asking, "Is that ME? That's me right?" And Kate always thinks the little girl is Macy too :) Anyway, I love reading her blog. I feel kind of strange because I don't even know this woman. Does that make me a blog stalker? If so, oh well, I feel inspired and ....what is the word....validated! I feel validated when I read her blog, like maybe what I think and feel and want isn't completely off :) Anyway, apparently she likes to pick a word that is her theme or mantra for the year. Instead of making all these different goals, she picks one things and focuses on it. I think one word makes it more of a concept or attribute to develop rather than a list to cross off. Which I like. I want to legitimately change myself. I don't want to just fool myself into thinking I've actually become something when all I'm really doing is monitoring my behavior more closely. Anyway, the word she picked for this year is "Present." Can I just say that when I read that, I felt even more strongly that this was the future me? Okay, now I'm definitely sounding weird (maybe that is because it is so late). Anyway, I'd been thinking about this concept for awhile. There are things about my character that are just driving me a little crazy lately. I've been struggling to figure out how I can change them. What tools do I need to eradicate them and replace them with something better. When I read her post, it all just clicked into place for me. This was how all my character flaws I've been struggling over are connected. I'm not being present. I'm not being fully present. I get distracted in my mind trying to make sure everything is getting done and all the multi-tasking will work out. I get distracted by so much self-analysis it is enough to make me want to go crazy (but really it just prevents me from having closer relationships with the people I care about). Anyway, this was it. This is the direction I've been praying for. Already, I find myself saying, "Be Present." When Kate is climbing around on me acting like a doggie, I ignore the phone ringing and soak it all in. Instead of absent-minded pats that I hope will content her, I'm full on jumping into the fantasy. And we both like it better. Just little things like that. Anyway, I want to declare it to everyone (or just document it for myself so it will be burned into my flesh and I will succeed). My focus for the next year is to BE PRESENT.

Miss Kate is 2!

(We let everyone decorate their own cupcakes...and John was the one who cleaned the mounds of sprinkles off the floor...he's the best :)

Kate turned two on January 8th. I cannot believe that it has been two years since we brought her home. We took her to Target and let her pick out some presents...Dora Doll with Boots and a Dora book that came with a little musical thing (it pained me to buy them at 50% off when I knew within a week they would be 75% off). As soon as Daddy was done running the YM basketball games, we headed to McDonald's for some happy meals. Kate loves "Nuggeets." After that we took the family to Kangaroo Zoo so that Kate could let loose with her wild climbing desires. We thought it would be the perfect thing for her. It didn't go quite as we expected :) Right at the first, she got knocked over. Between that and her missing her naps the last few days, she ended up clinging to us for the first 45 minutes :) After that though, she was all for it. She was super cute climbing up all the huge slides and running around with all the big kids. We love you Kate!

I had to document Macy....She is quite insistent on what she wears each day. And with her being a child who knows what she wants all the time, our lives would be miserable if I didn't allow her the choice on the things that don't affect her safety and salvation...hence these pictures :) She was wearing her leotard over her leggings and the jacket on top. I tried to get her to take the jacket off so people would know it was a leotard and not underwear, but that didn't happen. So here she is in all her glory, our SUPERMOO! I'm glad I've relaxed from all my preconceived notions...light up shoes, character clothes, mismatched shirts and pants, etc. We might look a little less polished, but my children are happier and have great imaginations and feel beautiful every day!

Ignorant Mother :)

I thought I'd post about this just in case it happens to anyone else.

Avery was sick. She was all congested. I was so happy that she had her ear tubes because otherwise I knew we would have been dealing with another ruptured eardrum. I felt like we were safe and she'd just have to pass through the annoyance of a cold. After a few days though she began complaining that her head hurt. After looking stuff up, I figured she must have a sinus infection. I'm a little dumb and didn't know that those should be treated with antibiotics. So I kept giving her medicine and we were suffering through the weekend. She was pretty miserable, but she did much better with medicine in her. Then came Sunday night. Her eye started swelling up like crazy. It was pretty weird. So first thing Monday I called and made an appointment. Good thing.

We went in and the doctor told us she had periorbital cellulitis. This is where the infection spreads to the soft tissue around the eye (hence the swelling). It can be dangerous because it can quickly travel into the eyeball itself and then up the optic nerve into the brain. CRAZY. They had to give her an immediate dose of medicine at the office by way of injection (I loved how the doctor was so careful to avoid any mention of the word "shot"). It was this awful shot that required a huge needle and took forever. They put numbing medication in it as well because it is so painful. We both were crying by the time it was over. The Barbie movie she got to buy at the store when we went to get her medicine helped her feel a little bit better.

Anyway, just in case anyone else is ignorant like me...Sinus Infections Can Be Dangerous :)