My Focus

Awhile back, I stumbled upon a blog. I think I got there because of a post she'd written on another blog about parenting. Right away I felt like I'd found a "kindred spirit" (to steal Anne of Green Gables words). I felt like she was putting into words all the feelings and thoughts I never seemed to have the time or the resources to articulate so well. I loved reading her stuff. I feel like she is living my life a few years down the road. She even has a daughter who looks like Macy. Once a picture of her was on the screen and Macy came over asking, "Is that ME? That's me right?" And Kate always thinks the little girl is Macy too :) Anyway, I love reading her blog. I feel kind of strange because I don't even know this woman. Does that make me a blog stalker? If so, oh well, I feel inspired and ....what is the word....validated! I feel validated when I read her blog, like maybe what I think and feel and want isn't completely off :) Anyway, apparently she likes to pick a word that is her theme or mantra for the year. Instead of making all these different goals, she picks one things and focuses on it. I think one word makes it more of a concept or attribute to develop rather than a list to cross off. Which I like. I want to legitimately change myself. I don't want to just fool myself into thinking I've actually become something when all I'm really doing is monitoring my behavior more closely. Anyway, the word she picked for this year is "Present." Can I just say that when I read that, I felt even more strongly that this was the future me? Okay, now I'm definitely sounding weird (maybe that is because it is so late). Anyway, I'd been thinking about this concept for awhile. There are things about my character that are just driving me a little crazy lately. I've been struggling to figure out how I can change them. What tools do I need to eradicate them and replace them with something better. When I read her post, it all just clicked into place for me. This was how all my character flaws I've been struggling over are connected. I'm not being present. I'm not being fully present. I get distracted in my mind trying to make sure everything is getting done and all the multi-tasking will work out. I get distracted by so much self-analysis it is enough to make me want to go crazy (but really it just prevents me from having closer relationships with the people I care about). Anyway, this was it. This is the direction I've been praying for. Already, I find myself saying, "Be Present." When Kate is climbing around on me acting like a doggie, I ignore the phone ringing and soak it all in. Instead of absent-minded pats that I hope will content her, I'm full on jumping into the fantasy. And we both like it better. Just little things like that. Anyway, I want to declare it to everyone (or just document it for myself so it will be burned into my flesh and I will succeed). My focus for the next year is to BE PRESENT.