Hard Things

Avery had to have her first cavity drilled. It was a hard thing for her. I tried to talk up all the positive things about going-watching a movie in the ceiling, getting a balloon, going to the store after and getting a prize...but nothing could take Avery's anxiety away from her. This was something she'd never done, something she was scared to do, and yet it was something she HAD to do. Her job was to be brave, open her mouth, not wiggle, and do everything the dentist asked of her. My job was to sit down by her feet, watch her little legs as they jiggled in fear, see her hands clasped up tight by her chest wishing they could go a little further and protect her mouth, and try to reassure her throughout the process. There was no doubt she was struggling and scared. I'm sure she wanted nothing more than to jump off the chair and run out the door. But she did it. As I watched my sweet little five year old rise to the challenge and do what needed to be done-despite the fear and anxiety- my heart was touched. I thought of how many times we would be put in the same positions as the years go by. How many times she will have to do something she's never done before, how she will be scared to do it, and how the only thing I'll be able to do will be to sit by her side and reassure her that she can do it and that she's doing a great job. I joke about how awful potty training is, or sleepless nights, or changing diapers-but nothing tugs at my heart more than having to sit on the sidelines and watch my children as they struggle to do things that are hard for them. As a parent, there is this insane urge to protect your children from anything and everything. As I sat there watching Avery's legs twist and turn as she fought her fears and did what she needed to do, my heart was filled with sorrow. There was a part of me that wanted to grab her and run out the door and never look back. But I knew this was something she needed to do. And as I watched her choosing to be brave, my heart was also filled with joy. I was so pleased with her decision to cooperate despite her fears and anxiety. I was so pleased because I knew this experience was making her stronger. As much as it broke my heart to see her in a situation that was so difficult for her, I decided it would be even more painful if those hard things were absent from her life. As we drove home I talked with her about doing hard things despite our fears and anxieties. I told her about how nervous I was the first time I went into the hospital to deliver a baby. I was scared to death. It was something I'd never done before and I didn't know what to expect or how it would be. But I did it. And the next time I needed to be strong and brave, it was easier.

It was a simple experience, but I've thought a lot about it. I like to think that in the eternal nature of things, I am the child in this situation and God is the parent. There have been things in my life I've been scared to face, things I've never done before, but things that HAD to be done-experiences I had to get through. And I think that even though He knew it was for my benefit in the end- that I'd be stronger because of it-I think His heart still broke a little as he watched me clench my hands in fear. But He doesn't grab me and run because He knows that in the end the experience will make me stronger and braver and that is infinitely more important than living a life free from hard things.